Being: Alive

Hey Being: Me Readers!

I know... I started 2020 by saying I was going to do a post every Sunday for you all and I definitely have not done that! The first few weeks of 2020 were exciting and had full thoughts of a bright-eyed, dream-filled year. Obviously, so much has happened since then.

I am not going to write this post about what is happening in the world right now, because truthfully, we are all living the same quarantined life. I am unemployed, like some of you, baking way too much banana bread, and just trying to find normalcy through all of this.

But, something this quarantine lifestyle has brought me is a closer relationship with God. When all of this started, I kept hearing women say things about how grateful they were for their extended time each morning in the Word or how their prayer life has grown tremendously through all of this. To be honest, I couldn't relate. I had kept my same routine since before the quarantine with my daily bible study and prayer journaling, but I hadn't necessarily had this huge growth in my heart in my relationship with the Lord.

Right before Los Angeles was put on safer-at-home orders, I had joined a women's class at my church. First of all, let me tell you how important community is for me. I truly had no idea what it would do for my life to join a community of women who were all looking to the Lord to get through each phase of life. I've cried, I've laughed, I've even gotten frustrated with myself over my inability to deconstruct chapters of the Bible that weren't making sense in my head. I needed advice, guidance, and love, just like so many of us do, and this class has fulfilled so much of that. I never thought I would end up having more relationships during a quarantine than I did before, all thanks to a bible study and a weekly Zoom meet up.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks later, in the midst of my heart being changed and my relationship with God doubling in size -- I have officially been stumped. This morning, our bible study asked me one simple question:

What Are You Living For? 

Wow. I don't know if that question did the same thing to you that it did to me, but my mind instantly went blank. I sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out what to write, and I felt myself getting so emotional. What am I living for?

I feel like this is one of those lines that happens in an action movie right before something super dramatic happens. It's heavy and my goodness, does it make you reevaluate every choice you have made in your life. Suddenly, I feel like my life has just been on autopilot and I've been letting it make all the choices for me. Have I really just been a passenger in my own life? At times, I think that is a definite yes. 

So, how did I answer the question? As truthfully as my heart would allow. But I started small. I started from the beginning of my day today. When I woke up this morning, what was it that made me get out of bed? The answer... joy. The mornings are my favorite part of the day and it brings my heart so much joy. I typically wake up a little while before my husband, come downstairs and make a pot of coffee for us (with a little extra in the pot for him because he loves an afternoon cup of coffee). I do the dishes with the sunlight shining through our kitchen window and then I make my way to my favorite corner of our home and start writing in my prayer journal. 

Which led me to my next thought: I live to bring happiness to my husband and do everything I can to point him to the Lord, as well. Every morning, I pray for my husband. I pray he finds the joy he needs in the day and finds encouragement where needed. I pray for our marriage and our future. 

So what else am I living for? Family - it's my big sister's birthday today, so I got to FaceTime her and my sweet nieces. I was reminded that being an Aunt is an important job - to be an example and to be an encourager, and to listen for as long as needed about how awesome Unicorn Poop is. I am living to be here for them. 

Photo by Emily Faith Photography

So let's get to the tricky part for me -  the part where I always want to make sure I am living for the "right" reasons. This is the career aspect of my life, and I think this is what made me the most emotional. I have spent almost 13 years of my life living in Los Angeles, which still seems absolutely unreal to me. 13 years I have dedicated to finding success in this career. I have lived a large part of my life pursuing this - but for what? Why? What have I been living for? 

Here's the thing... sometimes it is important to take a large step back and look at the big picture. Pause your "hustle" lifestyle and really look. Am I doing this the way God has intended me to? Honestly, I did this outlook three years ago, which is why I started Being: Me. I was so tired and exhausted of feeling like I was battling the industry and the content I was auditioning for that didn't align with my beliefs and morals. I made a change. I stop pursuing things that didn't allow the Lord to properly shine through me, no matter how much it could help my career. It was no longer worth it to me. When I made this choice, my career started slowing down. Auditions were limited and connections weakened. Did I make a mistake? Did I single-handedly stop my career? These thoughts are why I believe the question "What Am I Living For?" hit me the hardest this morning. 

I believe God has me on a path, same as each one of you. When I first took a wide-angle look at my life three years ago and decided to make a change, had I chosen to "give up" because I didn't believe the Lord would protect me and provide, I would have never even met my husband. I would have never realized my pure love for writing and singing worship music and how I express myself best through it. I likely wouldn't have found this community of women in my church who would pray for me weekly. And I would not be faced today with the black and white question that forced me to figure out what I am living for. 

Truthfully, I don't know the exact path I am living for. No one does. Even more so in the life we are living today. Each new day brings new surprises. But I do know this... I am living to follow the plan God has for me, no matter how unknown it is to me in this very moment. I am living to treasure the relationships He has blessed me with, to enjoy the home He has provided us with, and to grow daily with Him on this path he has set me on. 

I don't know what the next ten years will look like. I don't even know what tomorrow will look like. But I know when I look back to this time in my life, I will remember how much I LIVED for Him. I don't want another day to pass where I allow myself to worry in the unknown, to stress over needs I know He will provide for. This is our chance to enjoy every single moment, to enjoy this time of rest with our families, and to really pray for those who need it most right now. We have more time than ever to really live, so I encourage you to make the most of it.